Ive never been away for so long, and while I really doubt that I have changed... I cant help but feel that Im so different, because everyone else has changed. Can you change as a reaction to other people?

But how lame is it to be an indirect change? Its like the poetree club in h.s. it was so lame, but i stuck with it, because i thought that it was important.  poetree club kept on changing into something more and more sucky, and i thought i stayed the same... in the end i changed to, i started to suck.

In Garden State, Natalie portman has this great moment when she says that sometimes you gotta cry in in life. its real. but its life... until that moment, i always thought that pain and suffering were the punishments of living, not part of the whole complex process. i havent been crying lately, because its a sign of weakness, duh squared... but i have been having my share of heart and anxiety attacks.

i fear the future. not only the natural disasters ( 2 really close calls in the past 6 months), but my relationships, my imaginary best friends, and the things i havent even begun to do, but will try for till the end.

im still afraid of the man.

and even though im a million miles away in a foreign land, i am still attached as ever to the home in my head. which fuels all these little thoughts, and remembers the old ones from years before. its hard to believe that i think of myself as exactly the same, when i know im loving different things every minute.

its scary. but its real. its life.

the speech that never was

As I write this speech, my body is at ease. I’m listening to Modest Mouse’s latest hit: Float On, on repeat. The lyrics go: “Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on alright”. We’ll all float on ok. It’such a refreshing song to listen to during my 4th week, final quarter at UCLA. And then it hits me- I am leaving UCLA. I am leaving this home of 4 years, where almost every day is short skirt and tank top weather. I worry to myself- I will miss my short skirts. In the corporate world, that is a definite dress code violation. Just listen to the lyrics: we’ll all float on ok.

Friends, family, Graduating seniors, and the next generation: I want to share these lyrics to you as part of my message of hope for the future. UCLA has been my society, my teacher, my world for the past 4 years, and now I’m leaving. As I say good bye, I feel bittersweet and nostalgic about my memories here. Bittersweet because I have never learned so much about the current state of humanity and its evils, some that I am knowlingly contributing to. I am nostalgic, because I have met some of the most creative, talented, and humourous minds who have shared with me their amazing insight and talents. So many individuals and organizations have helped to mold my perspective on life. Despite the fact that we (here) are the ones graduating today, this commencment is more than just about us. It is about the legacy we will leave here at UCLA for future graduates, the importance and dedication of our community of family and friends who have helped each one of us get here, as well, as our commitment to continuing this tradition of graduating and seeking to make a difference in this world.

Today, I am graduating- still unsure of my destiny, but so much more experienced and ready for anything. I am grounded and stronger, hopeful, yet realistic. I am driven. In this school of so many different amazing individuals, I have always quested to stand out, to be special. Today, I realize that being special is about being confident in yourself. Not having other people notice you, but to notice the good things about yourself in. the things that make you beautiful. Confidence does not come easy, but it must come. It took me four years, to find out that I could be anything, that I can be as powerful as I want. I am learning that being great is possible. I think about how I made it this far, and where I will go next. I am excited, and I wish the best for all of you here.

Now, I would like to offer these tips to the next class so that they may end up at their own graduation and beyond!

1. Be good to your family and friends. It is only because of them that I am here. They have never let me down, and they refuse to let me give up. Even in my hardest moments, I have always had someone to care about me. I feel I have grown the closest to my parents this past year, because I am finally getting smart enough to talk with them, and plus, my mom is simply the coolest person I know. To the next generation, UCLA is hard. College is hard- whether it be academically or socially. Build strong friendships and relationships. In this sea of unknown faces, there are people you can connect to. The people who care about you will be your most valuable treasures here. They help to make your experience as wonderful as you would like it to be.

2. Find a cause: The Asian American cause was foreign to be before I came to UCLA. In Asian Am 99, I learned about ethnicities that I never knew existed. Through friends, I learned about the Chams, the Mongs, and that there are Asian- Canadians, not just Asian-Americans. I also learned that there were very few Asian people in movies and tv. Through learning about the racist and limited portrayals of Asians in the media, I have discovered that I want to change the way we see ourselves on the silver screen. Whatever I may do in my future, I hope to help further pave a way for Asian America- for us to be heard and recognized by our voice, not one created by Hollywood sensationalists. I am not slanted eyes, dark hair, and a bad drived. Rather, I am a separate and unique mind, that is exploding with passion and invention. As part of a theater company that tries to emphasize and champion asian american issues as well as combat stereotypes, I have had the opportunity to be a community activist and advocate for Asian Americans. I want to make a difference. You need to make a difference. Individual success can only take you so far. Take pride in your culture and recognize the importance of being represented in the mainstream. I have learned that I am not alone in my fight to succeed in this society, where Asians make up only 1% of the population. This community, everyone here today, is here to give help and support to the cause. TO the next generation, whatever you do- Do it with passion.

3. Don’t Watch Reality T.V. Living without cable this past year has been one of the best things about my senior year. Instead of watching Real World, I live in the real world, by going to class, hanging out with real friends, debating, fighting, enjoying the proximity of the beach! Not knowing the difference between chicken and tuna will only take you so far.

4. A great jedi once said, “ Do or do not- there is no try.” You have all the resources at your fingertips- knowledgable professors, ta’s, libraries, that smart kid who always comes to your 8am, while you sleep in. It is scary to actually use these resources of course, but they are there- for you. Except the the smart kid- he’s there for himself. You are here to learn, to be inspired, to figure out what you want to do, or want to be, sometimes, to live out your parents dreams. But the most important thing is: these 4 or 5 years you spend here- are about YOU. You must simply do- have confidence and faith, and you can achieve anything. It will probably not easy, but know that you are the strongest person you know. It’s true. Somehow, I survived missing a train in paris and being stranded in a train station in the middle of the night for 3 hours, without knowing a soul in the country. Don’t ever give up. If I had- I’d still be in lost in europe.

5. Give back. Your parents and community have made sacrifices that you will never know about. Be aware of your ethnicity and who you are. It is both a duty and a luxury to be political, social, an inquisitve mind. Challenge stereotypes that you do not believe in. Stand up for yourself and for the oppressed. You are stronger than you think. When you graduate, you will become a part of your community. The larger the community becomes, the more powerful and louder voice it will have.

6. Finally, Enjoy your time here. It will go quickly. Unless you’re in Finals. Otherwise- make every day count. Parents- cover your ears: but guys- don’t study all the time! Life is too fun here, to be cooped up in the library. I know I never was.

 Sometimes, “don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on alright”. We’ll all float on ok.”

back...

my absense has been a cause to several things:

1. my life has been incredibly busy

2. my life has been incredibly boring

3. i've been spending my time pursuing actual endeavors

4. other journals are a lot more addictive than updating my own

5. i'm not sure what the point is of continuing this.

Still, of these 5, they are still current happenings, but i figure that i would like to get my creative juices flowing for a little while at least. since, i will be leaving soon anyway.

first, a joke: a guy walks into a bar and reads a sign that says: <i> cheese sandwhich: 2.50, ham sandwhich: 3.00, hand job: 5.00 </i>.  Interested, he seeks and finds an attractive waitress and asks her if she is the one who gives the hand jobs.  She seductively replies, "yes", and he says, "ok, then can you wash your fucking hands, cuz i'd like me a cheese sandwhich, yo"

well, you can omit the "yo" but yo know it's funner.  I learned this joke from a pornographer customer of mine that has a striking resemblance to gary sinise.  i think that is a compliment considering gary sinise is incredibly talented as an actor, and not to mention- i served him when i was a waitress at the other restaurant.  funny though, cuz this pornographer looks more like lt. dan than gary sinise himself.

i have a magic shake ball. you shake this glass container and there's all this glitter that swirls around. it makes me want to do shrooms whenever i shake it, because the swirls would be a lot funner if i did. the truth is, i do have shrooms but they are 400 days old, and i dont know if they are still good. i'm not afraid of eating really old things, unless they smell bad. for instance today, they bought shrimp and i wanted cocktail sauce, but we didnt have any, so i found an old lemon juice packet in the drawer, and when i squirted it on the shrimp- it was like brown and acidic (like benzine peroxide smelling)

pretty gross, eh? and i ate it! proudly. look at me, i'm still here!

love is a place & through this place of love move (with brightness of peace) all places yes is a world & in this world of yes live (skilfully curled) all worlds